Stockyard Paul's Holiday Hotlist

Publisher's note: The weather has me stuck away from C-O central, so I called the news desk to see who could fill in. The staff being slim these days, I wasn't sure anyone would answer, but I managed to find a reporter on duty through the holidays: Stockyard Paul, the C-O's investment columnist. He assured me he's just the man to handle our special Christmas Sunday issue, so I've turned the front page over to him.

Merry Christmas, sleigh bulls and holly bears!

Stockyard Paul here, with your guide to the season's sure bets and risky investments. We've "mulled" the possibilities, and now present you our first annual yuletide rating sheet, the indispensable Holiday Hotlist.

Tinsel-Time Top Ten

Socks in your stocking
Cozy, delightful, recursive. Closest thing to a sure bet, this season. Strong buy.

Midnight Mass
Upside: Scarves, fire, organist pulls the "earthquake" stop. Downside: Long, preachy, starts at midnight. Had been a firm sell, but they moved it to 9 pm. Upgrading to hold.

Eggnog
Yours truly got roasted this fall, shorting pumpkin spice, so lesson learned. Bumping the nog from hold to buy.

Carolers at your door
As cringy as opening your present from Grandma in front of Grandma, but the present goes on for eleven minutes, and is a herd of drunk people. Sell.

"Amazon ate your present"
Hate it all you want, it's the new "Toys 'R' Us had one, but some asshole grabbed it." Unbeatable RoR. Hold your nose and buy.

Liquor-a-day advent calendar
Or just get the big bottle of Sailor Jerry's like the rest of us, and call it what it is. Sell.

Miracle on 34th Street
Stacks of presents reliably appear overnight, yet ungrateful adults take the credit, and deny the existence of the labor force. Perfect for 2022. Strong buy.

Non-angelic tree toppers
Big Angel has been pushing these for years. Paul's take: Angels have outsourced soulmate-finding, they've given up singing, and they never did a competent job as crosswalk guards. Hold them to their one remaining job. Sell.

Christmas pudding
What if I told you there's a holiday treat that beats your old favorite, but is cheap enough, everyone can have some? Not only does it exist, the Brits are so accustomed to it, they take it for granted. Strong buy. (This tip concerns pudding, and no other thing. A message from UnitedHealthcare.)

New toy is already broken, ten minutes after you opened it
Got the kids a drone this year? Expensive, was it? Perennial bet. Buy at any price.

Next Ten

• Holiday burritos: Unpopular strong buy.
• "Half-cup of sherry for the gravy, pint of sherry for me." Still a good bet. Buy while you can.
• Wham's Last Christmas: Will get the Grandma Got Run Over treatment next year. You heard it here first. Sell early.
• Outdoor trees done up like Christmas trees: Buy, conditional on comically-oversized ornaments.
• Stouffer's Holiday Collection Cheddar Bacon Potatoes: Strong buy, as always.
• Neighbor with the kitschy lights: Wasn't feeling it last year, but am this year. Trending toward buy.
• Good King Wenceslas: Unrealistic in this market. Downgrading to sell.
• Receiving a holiday letter: Strong buy
• Writing a holiday letter: Strong sell.
• Grocery store sugar cookies: We say sell every year, and you buy every year. We'll bump them strong sell, but let's not pretend you're listening.