A New Feather

I’m still getting used to my new office chair (a Herman Miller Eames Executive, if any other tycoons are reading). I wouldn’t say I’m ready for my first issue of The Daily Ostrich, but today is Sunday, and here we are.

One of my regrets, when I bought the Casual-Observer, was summarily firing the staff. I didn’t want to repeat that mistake at the ‘Strich, but I’ve lately been remembering why I did it. It sends an effective “I’m in charge” message, when you fire everyone at the company. If you know any gentler ways to send that message, please pass them along.

I’ve inherited two old-timers of The Daily Ostrich, and I’ve been arm-wrestling with both of them. You’ll know the name of Winslow Vance, the DO’s haggard News Editor. He and I have been in shouting matches every day regarding our news priorities. His list of “unignorables” include the conflicts in Gaza and Ukraine, Mike Johnson’s would-be theocracy, nationwide labor strikes, Trump’s legal trouble, and Trump’s surging campaign. I keep telling him all of that’s been covered to death on X and MSNBC. On my watch, the Daily O will give priority to:

• My personal life
• My crackpot schemes
• Tech news when it’s funny
• Whale facts
• Sappy human-interest nonsense

(Not to go off on a tangent, but I love “human-interest” as trade lingo for news about puppies and normal folks. Presumably the rest of the paper is robot-interest or deity-interest, however clear it is that deities don’t follow the news.)

Anyway, Vance wants to cover “real” news, but I’ll wear him down. You won’t need a current events trigger warning on my newspaper.

I’ve been having an even harder time with Clayton Brusk, the paper’s Chief Finance Officer. It was clear after our first conversation that we’d be at loggerheads, so I told him it was best for everyone if I let him go. He said, “You can’t fire me. Check my contract.” Therein I found the clause, “May not be fired, only bested. Rapier or sabre, at the Publisher’s discretion.”

He and I keep rehashing the same argument. “Clayton,” I’ll say, “we don’t own the stuff that happens in the world. We can’t charge for history. It’s public property.” And he’ll say, “Well, Tom, it takes work to find out what happened, and work costs money.” And I’ll say, “Well, Clayton, that’s why, at my newspaper, we report stuff I already know.” We’ll keep going in circles, and then he’ll ask, “Is it sword-fighting day?” and I don’t have a comeback for that. (Yet. I started fencing lessons on Tuesday.)

Since I’m not allowed to fire him and he’s not allowed to kill me (except in open combat) we’ve arrived at an unhappy stalemate. He insists that The Daily Ostrich keep its paid subscription, and I insist that the articles be free for everybody. So apparently we’re doing both. I’ve told him how stupid it looks to have a paid subscription that’s no different from the free one. He just points at the dueling swords above his desk.

I want to make it clear, cherished reader, that Clayton’s insubordination should not make you feel obliged to pay the Ostrich. But if you happen to be dumping your dollars before next near’s currency crash, or if the feds are sniffing around your secret off-shore accounts, I know a place you can ditch your money.

I will say, despite the headaches, I’m jumping with excitement over the features we have planned, starting next week with the history of The Daily Ostrich, and then the return of Ask-a-Genie. Newspapers run the risk of getting stale, but we’ll try not to let that happen. Above all, this is your Ostrich, so please do let us know how it can serve you best.