Robbery, Swordplay, and Trousers: Ask a Genie

Well, hello! 'Tis I, your faithful genie, here once again to answer your urgent queries for advice. Most of the time I answer questions about wishes, since that's my field, but I do get letters about all manner of things, so today I'll knock down a few of those. Forgive me if they're a bit "all over the place." It goes to show the range of things people have on their mind.

Dear Genie,
I bought a pair of suspenders. (Not sure why. They were on sale.) Well, they're a lot more comfortable than a belt, and I think they're sharp, but my girlfriend says I look like a hobo skunk. Is she right, or are they coming back around?
Signed, Beltless 4 Life

Dear Beltless,
I remember when a glimpse of suspenders would have caused a scandal. (Ask Napoleon.) That "news boy" style—suspenders over shirtsleeves—was very cheeky at the time. If you like suspenders, and you want your girl to like them too, here's what I'd suggest: Get a well-fitted blazer to wear in public, and reserve the sight of your suspenders just for her. With some work on your part, you can see to it that suspenders and pleasure are associated in her mind. Soon, she'll ask you to wear them. Though she'll still complain if you show them off to other people.

Dear Genie,
Let's say, out of pure theoretical interest, that you wanted to rob a bank. How would you do it? No reason. Just curious.
Signed, Asking For a Friend

Dear Friend,
If I wanted to rob a bank, I'd buy the bank, and who's to say I haven't? But I'll guess your friend's theoretical situation precludes that. I don't have experience robbing banks in the modern era, so I've passed the question off to an associate. Here's the answer I was given:

"Ain't much to robbing a bank. Make a threat, demand the money, then hustle. And I mean hustle. If you don't have a squad, try to do it quiet. Dress nice, smile, and ask for all the money they've got at the window. Downside is the facial recognition. Really hard to fake out. Could try makeup, but I dunno. With a squad, you do the opposite. Loud as you can. Show off the guns. Break stuff. Full-face masks, obviously. Make 'em open the vault, but don't get greedy. With a five-guy squad, you've got two bag men, max, and they won't be your strongest guys. So there's a limit on what you can take. That's the short answer, but the most important thing is planning. If it's your first time, you better spend a month on it, and I mean on it, full-time. Then you gotta do the math: All your planning time, plus four guys to pay, and you can't be stingy. Depending on the haul, you might be better off working at Arby's. But listen. My advice: Don't. Everybody's getting out of in-person stuff. You can't get away with it anymore, and the money in fraud is just too easy. No bullets in either direction, and you do it at home, in your underpants."

Dear Genie,
Urgent! Before I marry the wrong man, can you help my fiancé see reason? We were talking one evening, and I mentioned how The Mask of Zorro is the best Zorro movie, and he said, "Beg your pardon, dear, but The Mark of Zorro is the best Zorro movie." My chin hit the floor. Like, do I even know this man? Can you save my future, and explain to him that The Mask of Zorro is the best Zorro movie, hands down!
Signed With a Z

Dear Z,
The Mask Of Zorro is a marvelous movie, with finest "flirty sword fight" ever filmed. Even with the sound off, you have Antonio Banderas and Catherine Zeta-Jones burning holes in the film. It's a great movie, and no one can fault your fervor for it.

But. You'll need to go find your future husband, tell him you were wrong, and throw yourself upon his mercy. If you know your way around a sword fight (and I do) you could watch the duel between Tyrone Power and Basil Rathbone over and over on repeat (and I have.) Almost all the sword play is the actors themselves, and they're phenomenal! In one fifteen-second shot, you get seventeen moves! Ching, ching, ching! Then you have Linda Darnell—be still, my heart. And Gale Sondergaard being wonderfully ruthless.

Is The Mark of Zorro smarmy? Sure, but so is The Mask of Zorro. Is it "of its time?" Decidedly. But your fiancé is in the right, assuming he still wants to marry you. The good news is you've found a man with excellent taste.