A Guaranteed Win: Ask A Genie

Our Genie-in-Residence returns for his monthly dispensation of sage advice.

Dear Genie,
Me and my buddy were talking about wishes between reps at the gym, and my buddy said if he got his wish, he'd ask for ten million bucks. I said, "No, man, you should wish to get ripped and win a strongman competition with a ten-million-dollar purse. Then it's honest money. You proved you're a winner!" But he said, "I don't need to prove [anything]. Just hand me a check."

Don't you think a wish means more if you earn it?
Signed, In it to Win it

Dear Inny to Whinny,
Tax authorities tend to like it when a windfall has a ready explanation, so I do very often stage a "competition" as a means of delivering money. But that's not what you're asking for, I think. You want to enter a fair tournament, after I make you strong enough to win. Let's give that plan a close look.

Imagine a boy on the local swim team, who chances to meet a friendly genie. Suppose he wishes for a raft of gold medals. I could—hypothetically—give that kid a potion to make his torso long like a dolphin's, and supercharge his heart, and stretch his feet into big, ungainly flippers. That would give him a real advantage in the pool. He'd win most any race he entered, as long as he gave his best effort. In time, he'd (hypothetically) need a whole room to hold his medals. But has he earned them? You could argue yes or no. He's worked for them, certainly, but if I'd given that advantage to some other swimmer, instead of him, the outcome would be different.

Not to date myself, but I remember when the Olympics were the Olympics. When those wrestlers doffed their togas and oiled themselves up, they did it with a purpose: to see who was favored by the gods. When you won a match at those games, you weren't just the better wrestler, you were The Champion, examined by the gods and fated to prevail. The match wasn't just for you—if you wrestled for Athena, it was Athena herself who emerged victorious.

These days we've forgotten the pantheon, but we hold to our belief in fate. A "winner" (you know the type) is his own revered god. He thinks a win is a sign of his intrinsic value. When he wins, that's fate at work, so it's always deserved, even when it comes from an unearned advantage, or a biased referee, or from outright cheating. By consequence, a loser deserves their loss, however it comes about. When a "winner" wins, that's cosmic justice. When he loses, he's been wronged by earthly interference.

You can guess what I think of that twaddle.

Wishes aren't earned. I don't carry a goodness detector; I just bump into people at the bowling alley. Don't try to paint your good fortune as a win. Accept it as a gift, and share your good luck.

Returning to your question, dear In It, I think you should enter that strongman tournament. I'll root for you. Competition can stretch you to become your best, and that's a worthy aim. If you win, enjoy your prize! If not, perhaps your buddy will reward you all the same.