Best of the Classifieds with Arnie and Vera

So maybe you've heard that Yahoo is laying off an eighth of its staff. The New York Times is slimming up by 15%, and Newscorp says they're cutting 1200 jobs, leaving just a skeleton crew to paste together papier-mâché bogeymen. Twitter anticipates more layoffs, too, after sternly warning its last eleven staffers to quit using staples. Well, the mainstreamers may be selling their kidneys, but the Casual-Observer is booming! Subscribership is up. Discover Card raised our credit limit. We're adding positions right and left. This week we're thrilled to bring back Arnie Tackleman, our esteemed outdoor reporter, and we welcome our new fashion columnist, Vera Maraschino.

Meanwhile, we're bolstering our revenue streams, starting with that milkiest of cash cows, the Classified Ads. Which puts me in an awkward position. Apparently I promised the front page to Ms. Maraschino, and to Mr. Tackleman, and to the advertising desk. But it's like I've been telling the staff, all problems are solvable. Thus we bring you:

Arnie and Vera's Best of the Classifieds

Six gems from our Classified section, with exclusive commentary by sportsman Arnie Tackleman and fashionutionary Vera Maraschino.

#6. For Sale: Ski boat. 2002 Bayliner. $9500.

Arnie Tackleman: Great start, right there! That's a steal, for a Bayliner. You'll want to do your homework, obviously. Check the hull and the rub rails. Have a pro look over the wiring. Other than that, make sure she's got oil, and have a great time!

Vera Maraschino: Are you kidding me right now?

AT: You don't like the boat?

VM: Not the boat, him.

Publisher: What's wrong with Arnie?

VM: He smells like a condor with an abscess. For god's sake.

Publisher: Arnie, is that you? I thought the rats were back in the attic.

VM: Can't you make him take a shower?

AT: I did take a shower. You've gotta be clean, when you're curing jerky.

VM: You could put your shoes on.

AT: I don't wear shoes. That's kind of my thing.

VM: Shoes are in. Get a new thing.

#5. Real Estate: '90's Lakeside Charmer. $690,000

Vera Maraschino: See, this is why they should make people update their houses. Can you imagine eating in that kitchen—golden oak? Jesus, it says "modernized." When? Thirty years ago? I mean barf. Burn it down for the insurance.

Arnie Tackleman: I'd buy that house.

VM: Of course you would.

AT: Look at the view. It has its own dock.

VM: Yeah, I saw the flamingos.

AT: I could launch my canoe from the yard.

VM: I could launch that armchair from an overpass.

#4. Estate Sale: Broaches, necklaces, rings. See pictures.

Arnie Tackleman: Hey, rhinestones! My ex used to love that crap. Won't see those coming back, will we?

Vera Maraschino: What's it like, being you?

AT: Could do without the hemorrhoids. Why?

VM: Those are Christian Dior. Swarovski crystals. People are heathens. They don't see brilliance when it's glaring at them.

AT: I never hated the rhinestones.

#3. Lost Dog: Dalmation/collie. Answers to Junebug. Or Bugbear. Or BugBug. Last seen 2/7. Reward.

AT: *silent*

VM: *silent*

AT: *dabs eye*

VM: *sniffles*

AT: 'Spose I could poke around the park. Dogs turn up at the park.

VM: I live by the park. I'll cover the park.

AT: Lot of woods to get lost in.

VM: Pretty big park.

#2. Event Tickets: Billie Eilish. Two seats, fifth row, $1350.

Vera Maraschino: Can you believe what's happened with ticket prices?

Arnie Tackleman: It's absurd, right? Sunsets are free, dumbasses.

VM: That's why kids can't save their money. Thirteen hundred for two tickets. Total scam.

AT: Total scam. Who 'ya texting?

VM: Nobody.

AT: You're texting the ticket lady.

VM: Maybe. Mind your business.

AT: Don't bother. I already told her I'd take 'em.

VM: When?

AT: Minute ago. While you were ranting about my aroma.

VM: Asshole.

Publisher: *Pats pocket smugly*

#1. Missed Connections: 2/5 at Empire Spice Market
You: The cinnamon-haired temptress behind the counter. Me: The zesty gentleman who paid for grains-of-paradise, but wanted to drown in your shy, nutmeg eyes. They say saffron is the finest; I'll show you something spicier.

Arnie Tackleman: Ewww.

Vera Maraschino: I can't.

AT: Is he serious?

VM: I can't even.

AT: Like, how's she s'pose to go to work on Monday?

VM: My mouth tastes like thumbtacks. Is it normal, to taste thumbtacks?

AT: —We don't have his address, do we?

Publisher: We might. He wrote a check for the ad.

AT: Cool. Um, don't worry about that guy.

VM: I hope you mean what I think you mean.

AT: Doesn't matter. Don't worry about it.

VM: I'm not bad with a shovel.

AT: You're not busy this evening?

VM: I'll be at the park. Maybe I'll see you?

AT: Only if you're sharp. I'll be dressed like a ninja.

VM: Me too. Catsuits are hot this winter.