The Best Unread Email of 2022

I've been getting messages all month from the News Media Alliance, reminding me that a year-in-review list is required of all newspapers. I hate year-in-review lists, so naturally I've been ignoring these notes, but they've been getting more dire as the month goes on.

Look, I don't want to remember 2022. Can you think of one piece of news you'd like to revisit? King Charles III? The Slap? All that other stuff I can't bear to mention? Should I write a whole piece on the James Webb Space Telescope?

Here's what I'll do. I don't want to put work into this, so allow me to present this fabulous list of email I got, and didn't bother to read.

The rules: I'll give an award to the best email I received, but did not read, each month in 2022. Only unread email is eligible, so, by definition, I don't know what the messages contain. They're judged entirely by the subject line.

Best of January

You deserve an adult beverage for all that adulting. [Drink emojis]
Jan 20 from DoorDash

I feel a certain pity for the word "deserve" in cases not involving ice cream after the doctor's office. I don't mind the word "adulting." I like the way Gen Z invokes it to describe an echo of the lives they'd have lead if Grandpa hadn't sold the farm. Yet, for myself, I don't think adulting is the reason I deserve this adult beverage.

January Runner Up

Heads up! #NationalHatDay is almost here!
Jan 14 from Custom Ink

I feel prepared for National Hat Day, unless you're telling me that we, as a nation, are going out on the town in bowler hats. If so, by all means, let me know ahead of time. But if it's the same people wearing fedoras who usually wear fedoras, a quick note on the day-of should suffice.

Best of February

Grow Your Own Transplants
Feb 14 from Johnny's Selected S.

I can reveal to you that Johnny's Selected S. is Johnny's Selected Seeds, but, for all you knew, it might have been Johnny's Selected Sperm Splicing. For all you know, I'm up to every bit of the sci-fi shit you'd expect of a modern tycoon.

Best of March

TOM, Sunday, March 6th is National Dentists Day!
Mar 4 from InterDent

Again, I'm set for National Dentists Day. Unless tradition dictates that we all go down to Gentle Dental with our fine-tipped carbide drills, I'm good.

Best of April

Did Goodyear 5/8 in. Dia x 50 ft M... meet your expectations?
April 1 from The Home Depot

Did I buy something made of rubber in a five-eights inch diameter and fifty foot length? You'd think I'd remember it, and you wouldn't think The Home Depot would be my go-to purveyor of such a thing. Which leads me to ask what expectations they think I'm entertaining? My sleepwalking self must be having a better time than I knew.

Best of May

Your summer, your sandals
May 18 from Crocs

Per the new 2021 media disclosure laws, I'm required to inform you that I, the publisher of this newspaper, have a business relationship with the Crocs company, having purchased their goods and/or services. With that out of the way, I'm glad to broadcast this public service message. Your crocs are yours. Any attempt to wear another person's crocs, especially in the summer, should be repelled with unmitigated firmness.

Best of June

Want unbiased and honest feedback on your writing?
June 4 from Writer's Digest

How did I leave that hilarious email unopened?

June Runner Up

Pill talk before pillow talk.
June 27 from ZoomCare

As stated in the rules, any opened email is ineligible for mention. I can't open it, now. But I want to open it.

Best of July

Dracula: July 28 - Four days in hell
July 28 from Dracula Daily

I signed up for Dracula Daily this year, since I've never actually read Dracula. It's this service where they email you the portion of text that takes place each calendar day. I was really into it until I missed a day, and couldn't catch up. Now I have these tantalizing subject lines taunting me. What hell, Dracula? What hell?

July Runner Up

Tom's tasks(s) for Jul 23 -> 4 overdue
July 23 from Todoist

How many unread copies of this exact email, with only the date changed, would you guess I have in my inbox? Closest guess wins.

Best of August

One of Us Is Next
August 22 from Amazon.com

It calms me down, when Amazon says the quiet part out loud. Here they are in my inbox with a vague but definite threat. Who's next, Amazon? Me? Not yet, it seems, but you'll get us all someday.

August Runners Up

New Video!! - TRACTOR PULLS: It's Not What You Think
August 27 from SmarterEveryDay

Here's what I think: They take a tractor, and they take some heavy thing, and they hook the heavy thing to the tractor, and they try to pull the heavy thing with the tractor. Is it not that? Is it a metaphor? A novelty cocktail? A euphemism?

Dracula: August 6 - The suspense is getting dreadful!
August 6 from Dracula Daily

I KNOW!

Best of September

Kristin George invited you on their Lincoln City, OR trip
Sept. 17 from Airbnb

Did I include this just to make you jealous? Maybe I did. Because you should be jealous.

September Runner Up

Fish Grease May Solve Oregon's Carbon Problem
Sept 28 from Willamette Week

Exactly the news I've been waiting for and why do you still have your clothes on?

Best of October

TONIGHT! John Prine Tribute 7pm.
Oct 13 from Jaspar Lepak

How did I miss this!? My calendar was clear. Writing group was cancelled that night. What was I doing with my life?

October Runners Up

Rest and relax in the Mellow Slide
October 2 from Crocs

Try to imagine a more unsavory message/sender combo.

Dracula: Oct 30 - Did you think we were done with weird sailor accents?
Oct 30 from Dracula Daily

Best of November

An ode to our T cells (literally)
November 2 from Science News Corona.

The rules for this list are killing me (literally)

November Runner Up

Thomas you DESERVE this
Nov 28 from PayPal

Again, a big, evil company is in my inbox with a vague but ominous threat. Is it climate change, PayPal? Musk's Twitter takeover? Inflammatory Bowel Disease? What part of this do I DESERVE?

Best of December

It's National Peppermint Bark Day!
December 1 from Williams-Sonoma

Okay. Okay. Let's do this. No one wanted this to happen, but it's clearly necessary. December 1st is National Peppermint Bark Day, a holiday created by and for Williams-Sonoma, who claim they invented peppermint bark in 1998, despite the well-known fact that white chocolate peppermint candy was the reason George Washington had dentures. Williams-Sonoma reserves this day to reflect on the knowledge that Americans prefer peppermint bark over candy canes, sugar cookies, gingerbread, and chocolate santas. 53% of Americans "love" peppermint bark, while 27% of us "like it." 11% "don't like" it, and a baffling 10% of us haven't tried it. Peppermint tastes nice, so why not set aside one day a year to honor peppermint bark and the good folks at Williams-Sonoma who went through "more than 20 rounds of recipe testing" perfecting it?

Maybe because we're already using that day? Could it be, O corporate sons of San Francisco, that December 1st is busy being World AIDS Day, and has been since 1988, ten years before peppermint bark was a glimmer in your crackle-glazed, brushed-brass, botanical heirloom eye? Can you not think of anything more needful of a day than your infographic news that 9% of Americans "hide [peppermint bark] away from their families and eat it alone in secret," as if Americans weren't contending with enough, alone, in secret?

If we're looking for the Spirit of 2022, perhaps we've found it there. December 1st is National Peppermint Bark Day! Let's push aside every hard-but-important, real, true thing for the sake of our Favorite Holiday Treat!