Crime and Punishment

After the holidays, I was hoping for a slow news week, but, alas, it was not to be. The Association of Side Show Freaks And Circus Entertainers has been holding its convention here in town, which turned ugly over an ego-driven leadership impasse, and reddened many a nose. While I've been busy covering that, the scanner has gone bananas.

If you've watched any cable news, you know that crime is rampant in cities like mine. I knew as much when I bought the paper. I expected I'd have my hands full playing the gumshoe, or, I guess it would be 'have my feet full,' or, hold on, feet go in shoes, so it must be 'have my shoes full?' But full of feet? Of gum? I digress. I wasn't prepared for the workload, these last few weeks. Every time I took a breath and settled in to write the Number Jumble, another knife-point mugging would come in over the wire. And it hasn't just been petty theft. While I was racing to cover one bank robbery, another came in across town, and then there was the arson at the chemical plant, before I ever got back to my typewriter. And of course you've heard about Olga Kouvola, that poor Finnish heiress.

So I've been wishing I could have kept more reporters on staff. If I was a second-generation magnate, I'd have kept them all, not just the ones who live in the press room. As it was, I had a plan to get them new jobs elsewhere in the industry, and hopefully hire them back later. I figured I'd recommend them to friends of mine with more profitable papers; I just thought I'd make friends a little faster. Publishing barons do not, I've discovered, prefer to soirée with others in the Media Elite. They certainly don't rush to attend fondue events at the homes of new tycoons. I'm not daunted, by any means, but I've had no opportunity to extol the C-O's former staff, let alone my personal, yacht-related interests.

But, again, I've lost my track—you see how disorganized I've become, trying to handle this all myself. I managed to get Lt. Mazie Cornwall on the phone, the city's top spokescop, to ask if this level of lawlessness was ordinary, or if I'd hefted the helm at the crest of a crime wave. "It's definitely divergent," she told me. "We haven't had such a serious spike in years."

Ironically, that was not the last time I spoke with the police. On Thursday, at C-O Central, we found the safe wrenched open. The petty cash was untouched (what little there is) but records had been taken. I couldn't tell you which records—I'm not a countant—but they must have been financial reports or employee files. An officer came to investigate, but couldn't find a sign of forced entry. We didn't notice the wide-open grate on the roof until he was gone.

Which is a puzzle. The C-O Building isn't the tallest, but it's tall enough. To break in from the roof you'd have to...

—Crap.

Ugh. Double crap. My New Publisher Handbook came with a pamphlet about this exact situation. I knew I should've read it.

—Important—

Disguised Vigilantes at Your Newspaper
An unseen threat to your business.

Novice publishers, be aware that newspaper jobs are attractive to certain vigilante strongmen, who engage in self-aggrandizing public spectacles. Self-styled "heroes" want access to incoming bulletins, or seek cover for their presence at newsworthy events. They may submit resumes with false identities. HR departments are advised to reject all notably-handsome or muscular applicants, especially photographers or cub reporters. Though an applicant may present an awkward persona, or have a minor disability which would preclude athleticism, he may be affecting these traits intentionally, as a disguise.

Do not presume you will recognize a "hero," however well known they may be. Request our manual on Self-Appointed Law Enforcement in the Media, and be alert to the signs. If you suspect an alter ego in your employ, DO NOT take action on your own. Firing the employee may have adverse outcomes, and will not curb entanglements such as confidantes and secret love interests. Call the NMA for guidance and support.