Daylight: Is It Worth Saving?

[Wide angle shot of studio audience, then zoom in on panel moderator Tom George]

Moderator: Hello and thank you! If you haven't already made a fool of yourself this morning, like I did, showing up an hour late to the studio [cue audience laughter], take a moment to set your clocks forward, then join us for a lively discussion on the future of Daylight Savings Time. Live from the atrium at C-O Central, let's welcome our five panelists: Senator Marco Rubio, musician Poor Richard, General Wayne Thatcher, time-traveler Nike Brightline, and Neanderthal Thargin Tharbin. [Cue excited clapping]

Moderator: Our first panelist is Florida Senator Marco Rubio, sponsor of the Sunshine Protection Act. Senator Rubio, tell me why you want to make Daylight Savings Time permanent?

Sen. Rubio: It's called Daylight Saving Time. Not "Savings." There's no s.

Moderator: I was not aware of that. Wouldn't have pegged you for a grammar nazi, Senator.

Sen. Rubio: Just being consistent. But yes, I've introduced the Sunshine Protection Act to stop the useless practice of changing our clocks, which harms individuals and the economy. It's a bipartisan bill, much like the one the one we passed unanimously in 2018, which the House never considered.

Moderator: Unanimous passage. Quite refreshing. For a counter point, let's turn to our next panelist, pop musician Poor Richard. Mr. Richard, you've become the face of opposition to Senator Rubio's bill. Why is that?

P. Richard: Tom, I could tell you why I'm against the bill, but I think I said it best in my song Get That Booty.

Moderator: You're referring to the lyrics, "Early to bed, early to rise, uh, uh, get that booty?"

P. Richard: Exactly. In principle, I agree with the Senator. We should stop changing our clocks, but standard time is real time. Noon should be noon, like I said in my track, Circadian Rhythms.

Moderator: That's the song where you sing, "When you're up, you're up, and when you're down, you're down. Uh, uh, baby, let's try again later?"

P. Richard: Well, when you read it like that— Maybe I did say it better in my article, The Influence of Timekeeping on Light-based Biological Cycles. It's out in Nature this month.

Moderator: I'll look for it. But now let's turn to our next panelist, General Wayne Thatcher of the US Army Corps of Engineers. General Thatcher, what's your position on the time change conundrum.

Gen. Thatcher: All I know is, we can't keep changing the time back and forth.

Moderator: Changing our clocks, you mean?

Gen. Thatcher: I do not. Americans seem to forget that every time change requires us to nudge the Earth's rotation, which depletes our stock of ammunition. I'm extremely proud of our Time Change Battalion, but I can think of a dozen better ways to allocate those personnel. On top of that, the propulsion guns were designed for April and October. Firing them early, like we're doing now—I'm sure you've noticed the wobble. Shifting poles. It's not sustainable.

Moderator: You're telling me we actually, physically, change the Earth's rotation twice a year?

Gen. Thatcher: Obviously. How else would we do it?

Moderator: By changing our clocks, I thought?

Gen. Thatcher: Changing our clocks, you thought. And freedom is free. Of course not. You change your clocks to stay in sync with the rate of rotation. Basic physics.

Moderator: That—doesn't make sense.

Gen. Thatcher: It sure as hell doesn't. Costs eighty billion a year. Know how many drones we could build for that? Our enemies won't bomb themselves.

Moderator: Won't they?

Gen. Thatcher: Not yet. We're working on it.

Moderator: Fascinating. Onward. Our next panelist is from the year 2129, a time traveler from the future, welcome Ms. Nike Brightline.

N. Brightline: Good to be here.

Moderator: Glad to have you. Is it actually good, though? Aren't there pleasanter times you could visit?

N. Brightline: I know you've all been through a lot, but for me, this is a vacation destination. I mean, you're arguing over how to set a clock. It's wonderful.

Moderator: Can you tell us what impact this decision might have on the future?

N. Brightline: It shouldn't harm anything to tell you that the outcome won't matter one bit, to us in the future.

Moderator: Because you measure time differently?

N. Brightline: Sure.

Moderator: Interesting. Ominous. Hate that. But let's hear from our last guest, a surprise addition to the panel, and you'll have to forgive me, Thargin Tharbin, because my Neanderthal might be a little rusty. [Cue audience laughter]

T. Tharbin: Indeed. Well. First of all, my mother tongue is called Zankot, and you'd find it lovely if you heard it. For today, I hope my English will suffice. Secondly, I'm drawn to wonder why you've introduced my wife as a time traveler, and me as a Neanderthal, when we arrived here on the same ship.

Moderator: Oh, I didn't mean—

T. Tharbin: Did you not?

Moderator: ...

T. Tharbin: Must I invent the locomotive to be a train traveler? Is Santos-Dumont the only bonafide air traveler?

Moderator: Do you mean the Wright Brothers?

T. Tharbin: What part of time-traveler do you fail to grasp? Correct me one more time—

N. Brightline: Careful with your club, dear.

T. Tharbin: Sorry, darling. My apologies. I presume you had a question?

Moderator: I did. What can you tell us, from your society, that might help us know what to do about Daylight Saving Time?

T. Tharbin: In my society, we eat when we're hungry. We rise when we're rested, and we go to sleep when we're tired.

Moderator: That's wonderful, obviously, but we have work schedules and school schedules, dentist appointments, all those things we have to navigate.

T. Tharbin: We have appointments, too, and we keep them. But—let's see how I can explain this—when it's dark outside, we call that the nighttime. And we don't do all sorts of things in the nighttime, because it's nighttime. In the summer, and I'd draw you a chart if I had some paper, we do more things, because there's more daytime. And in the winter there's less, so we do less. Have I painted the picture? We don't go through this business of deciding whether to wake up in the dark or stay up half the night. If you asked my people which of those they'd prefer, they'd look at you like you were crazy. Can you see my face right now?

Moderator: Yes, I can see it, and you don't need to tell me we're slaves to the clock. We know.

T. Tharbin: For my people, you know, when we find ourselves enslaved to something, we try to not be. But don't listen to me; my people lost out. Homo Sapiens had a grander vision, and history was written by the go-getters.

Sen. Rubio: Of course it was. Everybody knows the early bird gets the worm.

T. Tharbin: There you have it, the victor's prize: Wake up at nighttime, and eat your fill of worms.

P. Richard: I have a song about a worm.

Moderator: And that's all the time we have. Thanks to all our panelists, and thanks for tuning in!