Is Hibernation Right For You?

Though the Casual-Observer thrives on tradition, we've said goodbye to our famous, radio-friendly Roundtable. Today we're here at C-O Central to unveil our updated atrium, with its new, off-center centerpiece, the Rectangletable. No more backs to the audience—all the panelists face the same way! We're finally ready for the video age, and the one-sided discourse it demands.

To inaugurate the Rectangletable, I've assembled a trio of experts to hold forth on the newest viral wellness trend, human hibernation. Welcome the internet's hibernation guru, Daffodil Bentley, joined by our Outdoor correspondent, Arnie Tackleman, and medical expert Emily Doctor, MD, PhD.

Moderator: Ms. Bentley, your videos promoting human hibernation have garnered a hundred million TikTok views. Where did you get the idea that people should hibernate?

Daffodil Bentley: I figured it out at the zoo. See, I go there to visit the lions. They're sort of "my people" [ed. note: finger quotes]. To get there you go by Grizzly Mountain, and that's where I saw this bear that was so fat. Like, I don't judge, but it was like, woah. So I said to the zookeeper, "Why's that bear so fat?" Do you know what he said?

Moderator: I couldn't guess.

Daffodil Bentley: He said it's because the bear can't hibernate. And I thought, "That's it! That's what wrong with America!"

Moderator: Let's bring Arnie Tackleman into the conversation. Arnie, is it true? Do bears gain weight if they can't hibernate?

Arnie Tackleman: To start off, boss, swimsuit-model standards are as dumb for bears as they are for people. Bears are supposed look like that, especially this time of year. They're saving up energy for their winter's nap. But the zookeeper's not wrong—a bear won't hibernate if there's a food source available, or if something keeps it from denning in. Then it can't use up its energy stores, and the cycle gets thrown out of balance.

Moderator: Our medical expert, Emily Doctor, is a practicing physician and a Johns Hopkins professor. Dr. Doctor, give me the news, is hibernation a good thing for human beings?

Dr. Emily Doctor: No, Tom, it's not. We aren't bears.

Daffodil Bentley: It's not just bears that hibernate.

Moderator: Arnie, can you fact check that for us?

Arnie Tackleman: Bats, raccoons, bumblebees, snakes. Lots of things hibernate.

Moderator: But not humans, Dr. Doctor?

Dr. Emily Doctor: We aren't bats. We aren't bees. We're not frogs or marmots or hedgehogs. We're people. I can't believe I have to come here and say that.

Moderator: Isn't it true that our natural cycles change during the winter. I thought I read that somewhere.

Dr. Emily Doctor: Certainly. Seasons affect our circadian rhythms, melatonin production, body temperature. We're slower in the winter, but we don't hibernate. We aren't built to go months without defecating. That's a very bad thing for the human colon.

Daffodil Bentley: Who do you want to listen to, Big Medicine or Mother Nature? Hibernation is extremely detoxifying.

Dr. Emily Doctor: Literally the opposite.

Daffodil Bentley: If you don't hold your poop, you don't get the benefit. That's just science.

Moderator: Do bears really go the whole season without...

Arnie Tackleman: Yes.

Moderator: But I thought they...

Arnie Tackleman: Not during the winter.

Moderator: What about the Pope?

Arnie Tackleman: What about the Pope?

Moderator: Doesn't he go in the woods? Or something like that?

Arnie Tackleman: He does if he wants to.

Daffodil Bentley: I'm just telling people how it works. If you poop or pee, your hibernation resets and you have to start over. That's the rules. Don't blame me.

Dr. Emily Doctor: But I do blame you. You're selling hibernation dens for twenty-thousand dollars.

Daffodil Bentley: Here's all I'm saying: Take a look at your Facebook, have a peek at the news, and then ask your body what it wants. Tell me it isn't begging you to stuff it full of cookies and eggnog, and then have a nice long nap, not just you, but everybody, all the politicians and everyone, all through dark days of winter, and we all wake up slim and well-rested at the equinox. Is that wrong to want for people?

Moderator: So do we use, like, diapers, or what?

Daffodil Bentley: Muscle exercises. Start now and you'll be ready by Thanksgiving.

Arnie Tackleman: The dens she mentioned, would I find them on your website?

Dr. Emily Doctor: I hate you people. Swear to God. I'm quitting this shit the minute my loans are paid.

Moderator: Let's have a big hand for our panel! Then join us next week at the Rectangletable, when we examine parrot-teacher conferences, a contraversial new practice at the Osborne School for the Hard of Hearing.