The 2023 New Tycoon's Almanac
Yesterday the rooftops were frosty, a fact I pointed out to the heedless tulips and daffodils. I offered the same word of caution to the northern flickers, who rang at the stovepipe this morning to let us know they were back for the season. Naturally, they were better informed than I. The sun came out today, as did the arms of the populace, with temperatures in the mid 60s.
Surprising as it may seem, this coming week brings the Spring Equinox. And you know what that means! Our weathermen have weathervaned. Our forecasters have forecastled. It's time for our annual New Tycoon's Almanac, your guide to the right and proper time for all spring activities, essential and otherwise.
General Outlook
La Niña has passed her piñata to El Niño, and the general outlook for spring is droughty for the Northwest US, and floody for you in Coker, Alabama or Thayer, Kansas. Temperatures will oscillate fiendishly through April and May, after which the mercury should stabalize to a nice, normal summer average (normal for Southeast Asia).
Planting times should be fairly typical, plus or minus three months. Conditions should favor potatoes, broccoli, and Rubic's cube speed records, while disfavoring Ed Sheeran and thirsty herbs.
Best Days To:
Start tomatoes, greenhouse
March 6 (If you haven't done it, don't bother.)
Start a meditation practice
Now
Blast prog-rock anthems, heroically, in your PJs
March 19, 20, 23, and 27, plus April 2, 5, and 16
Separate strawberry plants or star-crossed lovers
March 21
Realize lowly ambitions
March 27
Prune hardwood
March 29
Observe launch of Ryan Reynolds's private space station, from the 'envious tycoon' seats
March 30
Stitch one leg of your kids' jeans closed
March 31, late evening
Clean gutters
April 2, early afternoon
Meet an orthopedist
April 2, mid-afternoon
Mend fences, rhetorically or literally
April 8
Rescue piglet by spinning lexical web
April 10
Deliver flowers to your tax professional
No later than April 18
Deliver hallucinogens to your tax professional
No earlier than April 19
Collect locks of hair on city bus
April 22, 23
Breed animals
April 26, 27, 28
Apologize to downstairs neighbors
April 29, 30
Harvest early peas
May 3
Find love, or, if not love, the Dancing with the Stars troupe member phone list
May 9
Seed neighbor's lawn with crabgrass and dandilions
May 11, early morning
Pickle pickles, for twice-pickled pickles
May 13
Lose track of a few days
May whenever to May whenever
Attend hearing at transit court
May 22
Discover uncataloged comet, name after self
May 28
Completely fail at baking Yorkshire pudding
May 31
Completely fail, again, at baking Yorkshire pudding
June 1
Gloriously succeed at baking Yorkshire pudding
June 2
Wonder why Tom George's Comet is getting bigger, but not moving across sky
June 3
Harvest late peas, early strawberries
June 5, 6
Cut hay
June 7
Realize why Tom George's Comet is getting bigger, but not moving across sky
June 9, late night
Plan a vacation
June 10
Connect with friends or loved ones
June 10
Preserve fruit, vegetables, or meat
June 10
Commence travel (Florida coast)
June 10
Realize lofty ambitions
June 11
Attain a higher perspective
June 11
Enter a cribbage tournament
June 12
Contemplate the meaning of life, terrifying apathy of universe
June 13
Embarrass self in a double-or-nothing cribbage rematch
June 14
Return from a vacation
June 20
Begin a new job as official biographer of World President Ryan Reynolds. Working title: Dancing with the Stars, though all the Congressdancers agree that's too 'on the nose.'
June 21
