Sports Talk Safewords and Pickleball Primer
In which we rescue you from sportsy small talk, and I talk pickleball with an up-and-coming sportswriter.
America likes to talk about sports, by which I mean your dentist likes to talk about sports, and then you're obliged to mumble like you understand, or else lose more respect from a man who can see all sides of your teeth. Fear not. If you find yourself trapped in a sports conversation, trot out one of these simple rescue phrases, one for each major sport, guaranteed to launch a sports fan into a lecture, if not a tirade. No more will be required of you. Just say it and enjoy the show.
NFL Football
Status: Season finished
Rescue Phrase: "Thank God the Raiders moved to Vegas." (Warning: Make sure you have two clear exit paths.)
MLB Baseball
Status: Early season
Rescue Phrase: "I like the pitch clock, but now the runners think they're all Ricky Henderson." (Pretend to steal home plate.)
NBA Basketball
Status: Playoffs
Rescue Phrase: "Golden State? More like Olden State, am I right?"
College Basketball
Status: Season finished
Rescue Phrase: "I didn't watch it. Who won?" (Counterintuitive, but trust me.)
MLS Soccer
Status: Early going
Rescue Phrase: "Are you kidding? MLS is better than Premiere League. Why else would David Beckham come?" (Best if said in a British pub.)
PGA Golf
Status: Never-ending.
Rescue Phrase: "Sure, go play for the Saudis, you Benedict Arnold Palmer."
NHL Hockey
Status: Playoffs
Rescue Phrase: "Totally, man. Trump's as innocent as Brendan Lemieux."
Now, to our top story, the Rise of Pickleball. I'll admit, I don't know anything about pickleball, except that I and Mrs. Tycoon just binged season one of Shrinking, which has this running joke about pickleball, "America's fastest-growing sport." Also, I read an article where tennis players were hating on pickleball. They didn't explain what pickleball was, but they conceded that it's America's fastest growing sport. Also also, my sister Ellen says her suburb is building pickleball courts (fields? rinks?), and she kind of wants to play. She tells me it's America's fastest-growing sport.
Clearly, this deserves an article, but I'm the wrong one to write it. Against my better judgement, I took my hat in hand (and my phone in the other) and I called our former sportswriter, Ken Bad-Mittens. He and I buried the hatchet, and he invited me to his house for a barbecue and a lecture on America's darling new pastime. Here's how it went down—
Publisher: Hello, Joey. Is your daddy home?
Joey Mittens-Jones (Ken's four-year-old son): Daddy's at the 'seeno!
Publisher: Are you serious? He's not here? He promised me an article and the best ribs I ever gnawed on.
Joey: Daddy won a scratchy ticket! He had to go to the 'seeno while he's LUCKY!
Publisher: Does your daddy remember that I'm paying him for this?
Joey (thoughtfully): I don't think he 'members.
Publisher: Alright then, Joey, want to earn some money? I'll pay you a standard AP rate, if you know anything about pickleball.
Joey: Pickoball!
Publisher: Have you played pickleball?
Joey: PICKOBALL!!!
Publisher: Yes, pickleball. Have you played it?
Joey: no.
Publisher: Your daddy plays pickleball, right?
Joey: Daddy plays scratchy.
Publisher: But you've heard of pickleball?
Joey: Mama plays pickoball.
Publisher: Ah! Wonderful! Can I talk to your mother?
Joey: She's at the 'seeno.
Publisher: Is anyone home with you?
Joey: I'm home with me!
Publisher: Marvelous. Joey, do you go to your mommy's pickleball games?
Joey: Yeah! I catched a Charizard.
Publisher: Isn't that a—Pokemon? I'm talking about pickleball.
Joey: CharizAAAAArd!!
Publisher: When you're at your mommy's pickleball games, what do you see? Tell me about your mommy's games.
Joey: When mama plays pickoball, I play PokemonGO!!
Publisher: Joey, we're not talking about Pokemon, we're talking about pickleball. I'm on a deadline. I'm literally begging.
Joey: I lost Mama's pickoball out the window! I maked a truck honk. Pickoballs are bouncy.
Publisher: Good. I mean, not good, but, good—they're bouncy. That's something. Do the players, what, they bounce it to each other?
Joey: Yeah, they bounce it.
Publisher: Great! And then what?
Joey: And then I catched a Charizzaaarrrd!
Publisher: Thanks, Joey. You've been a Real. Big. Help.
Joey: Do you know how to make nuggos?
Publisher: Chicken nuggets?
Joey: Yeah!
Publisher: I'll make you a deal. If you can tell me one useful thing about pickleball, I'll heat you up some nuggets. Can you do that?
Joey: Okay!
Publisher: Great. Tell me anything.
Joey: Pickos are green!
Publisher: Do you mean pickleballs are green? Is that why they call it pickleball?
Joey: Want to see me catch a Magikarp?
Publisher: No, Joey. I want you to tell me ONE GODDAMN THING ABOUT THE SPORT OF PICKLEBALL!
Joey (pouting): I'm hungry.
Publisher: Too bad, kid. You're in breach of contract.
Joey: Daddy left his scratchy ticket on the table.
Publisher: Did he say how much he won?
Joey: Fifty buckles!
Publisher: Alright, that's worth it. But you'll have to share your nuggets with me. And your Charizard.
Joey: Get your own CHARRIZZAAAAAAARRRRRDD!!!
