She Blinded Me—With Science!

Winslow Vance, our News Editor, asked me if I knew a competent reporter for a tech and science feature. I told him I used to do the Tech Rundown at the Casual-Observer. He said "You're the boss, boss," in that way that tells a boss they're making a mistake, but forces them to do the thing anyway. So here I am, your driver on the brand-new Ostrich Science Tour Bus.

In Brief

Any landing you can topple away from
Intuitive Machines landed their Odysseus spacecraft on the moon last week, in a manner predictable to non-STEM kids who actually read The Odyssey. The robotic lander survived an epic journey, descended with a blind altimeter, broke a leg, and sank gently onto its side, pointing its antennas away from Earth. But it did so at one-tenth the cost of a typical mission, so everyone's happy.

Whales Embrace
Despite the name, humpback whales had never been photographed in flagrante delicto, until recently. Biologists finally found a pair of exhibitionist whales, both of whom were male. Sadly, there were concerns over the frailty of one participant, and while scientists were quick to note that human values can't be projected onto animal behavior, divers are distributing waterproof pamphlets about "full and enthusiastic consent."

Surge Pricing at Wendy's
Fast-food chain Wendy's announced a plan to replace their menus with digital screens, and introduce variable pricing that rises and falls in response to demand. What better way to make the point that Wendy's is not for mealtimes. Wendy's is intended for 11am in advance of lunch, or 11pm while intoxicated, and isn't so much a "food" as a cry of havoc.

Tech Feature

Apple Forehead Pro
Fun fact: A bottlenose dolphin's embarrassing forehead bulb is called a "melon." Biologists think the melon acts as an acoustic lens, helping the dolphin form a 3D image of its surroundings. Apple's new headset, the Vision Pro, bears a strong resemblance to the melon, and it's purpose is the same, except, instead of obstacles, companions, predators, and prey, this ungainly lump projects a layer of immersive, virtual clutter over the actual clutter in your home. If you've ever wanted to see your house with two-dozen floating TV screens, Vision Pro can do that, for the same price you'd pay to install all those screens in real life. (Bonus fun fact: $3,500 was the price a Yugo GV in 1988.)

Even Apple fans agree that the Vision Pro is excessively expensive and questionably useful, but they say it's a taste of the "virtually augmented" future. If so, I'd like the future to know that my bathroom wall does not want iMessage, let alone FaceTime. But the Vision Pro spurs us to ask the question: Does reality need augmentation? I'll invite you to look at your surroundings, then open a news website, and join me in concluding that, yes, it certainly does.

Here's a short list of augmentations I would eagerly add to reality:

• Tiny hats and Hawaiian shirts overlayed onto birds, squirrels, and neighborhood cats.
• Automatic erasure of power lines and billboards.
• Re-addition of acne and eye bags to Hollywood actors' faces.
• A virtual fish tank. A big one, with sharks and clownfish and eels and turtles. I mean COME ON!
• A label with the flight number, type, origin and destination of any airplane in the sky.
• James Cromwell's disembodied, tweed-capped head, looming in the corner of the room to nod approvingly when I finish a task, and tell me, "That'll do, pig. That'll do."
• An icon to show me where the sun is, during the goddamn daytime. (If you're in the Northwest this winter, you'll know what I mean.)
• A personal leprechaun, who shows up in the house at random times, especially to stand behind dinner guests, silently taunting them.