Spuds and Curses - Ask a Genie

Happy Easter to all who celebrate, and a happy birthday, yesterday, to Ian Baker, the one friend from elementary school whose birthday I remember. (No, I haven't double-checked. If I'm wrong, I'm sorry.) Next, a big thanks to all who offered your excellent sentences for ChatCheapyT. The deadline for inclusion is tomorrow morning, so get yours in soon! And now, let's welcome our genie-in-residence, as he answers two more desperate pleas for succor.

Dear Genie, I have a question I'm embarrassed to ask, and I think you'll get why. My girlfriend was raised in a "proper" East Coast family, and she actually says "potahto," which I thought was a made-up thing, for the song. But it really does leave me wondering if we're compatible. She makes this dish she calls "Famous Potahtoes," with aged gruyère, and it's to die for, but when I ask for another helping of "potaytoes," she smiles at me like I'm a three-year-old. She won't ever say it my way, like my way isn't good enough. Can I ask her to try?
A Worm in my Ear

Ah yes, my dear Ear Worm, what a stigma those Gershwins have caused against this common source of discord. You worry that her couth, or your lack of it, could signify a mismatch. I've seen it many times. People wish for the perfect partner, forgetting their own imperfections, and then they go through life feeling unequal to their companion, afraid they aren't sufficient. The only antidote, I'm afraid, is to become a worthy helpmate, through willingness, work, and growth. Whether that makes you enough, or not, is up to her, but it's all you can do.

To your question: No, you should not ask your girlfriend to adopt your way of talking. Neither should you say potayto while she says potahto. Relationships thrive on a common language, and she, with her famous entrée, has claimed the right to name to that ingredient. You eat "potahtoes" now, and I think you'll like them. If you mean to preserve some portion of your own linguistic preference, I suggest you jump right up and get to work perfecting your ragù. When she goes back for seconds, and only then, you may wink once, and gently tell her, "It's tomayto sauce, darling."

Dear Genie, I've had the most ridiculous string of bad luck lately, from hard news at the doctor, to a leak in the roof, to a nail in my tire. I laughed when my friend said I was cursed, but now I'm being laid off from my job. Is my friend right? Am I cursed?
Not Laughing Anymore

Dear Not Laughing, To address the elephant, I haven't wrought any curses this year, so you're safe from my handicraft. Still, there plenty of people with the wherewithal to raise a good hex, so let's walk through a checklist to assess your personal risk.

1. Are you in possession of, or have you sold, an artifact that does not belong to you?
2. Have you been inside a home or tomb, into which you were not invited?
3. Is anyone currently locked in your tower? (I hope this goes without asking.)
4. Have you been notably unkind to any women-of-a-certain-age?
5. Have you accepted fruit or baked goods from someone with cause to despise you?
6. Have you been kissing any members of a royal family?
7. Do you post aggressive comments online, and, if so, is your star sign widely known?
8. Have you said anything to a faerie that might be construed as a contract?
9. Have you broken any blood-oathes, lately?
10. Have you broken any mirrors? (Umbrellas, ladders, cats, and sidewalks aren't a worry. Fake news, all four.)

If you answered yes to any of those questions, and especially if you tallied more than one, I'd say a curse is a real possibility, though of course a low-risk person can still end up cursed. If you are cursed, there's probably not much you can do, though it won't hurt to return your overdue books.

There are non-magical curses, too. Injustice and repression, for example, are more effective than anything you could buy from a wizard, and longer-lasting. We can all afford to ask ourselves whose curse we might be extending. Then there are self-curses, the commonest kind. Thankfully they're also the simplest to break. Note I say "simple" and not "easy."

In your case, Not Laughing, I suspect you may be under a placebo curse, a favorite of today's enchanters. Why conjure up the real thing, when a suggestion is broadly effective? Make someone think they might be cursed, and you'll leave them itching and groaning. Placebo curses can be harder to buck than you might expect. The remedies are (A) wasp venom, or (B) a daily list of uncurselike occurrences, such as evening light, new leaves, cheeky jokes, and potable water. Regardless, we're pulling for you. Best of luck, and keep us posted.